It's been a bit quiet around these parts. In the last month I've transitioned out of full-time-stay-at-home-mama-blogging-part-time-uni-going into full time office work + family + uni. I wrote this post over a month ago. I think it's a measure of how busy life has been that I've only just found the headspace to post it.
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At the time I'm writing this I'm one and half weeks off starting a new gig that I'm very excited about.
When I sat down to type this post I planned to write about going back to out-of-home work after such a long time at home. Something that might address the questions I've been asking myself; why go back? What should I expect? How can I make the change easy on my kids? (And of course, what should I wear ;)
But then my thoughts turned to my youngest wee babe.
I thought about how one day she might grow up and have her own babes (also maybe not, that's fine too).
But say she does. Or say the boys do. Say the boys become papas and say they stay at home with their little ones for a while. Then maybe one day they'll decide to return to the outside world like I'm doing now. Or maybe they won't.
Or maybe they'll be at the beginning of their journey to have a family and they'll read these words of their mama from so long ago to learn what they should expect.
Or maybe they'll be a year or so into their journey and they'll compare what they read here to what they're experiencing.
What do I want to tell them? What do I want them to know about what it's like to stay at home and raise a baby? What do I want to tell them about parenthood?
dear lady, dear kiddo, dear firstborn,
I want you to know that staying at home with babes is hard but I want you to know that it's beautiful.
I want you to know that it's worth it. I want you to know that you probably won't regret it. but did I mention that it's hard? it can be isolating, frustrating and tedious.
I don't tell you this to scare you, I tell you this because I want you to be kind to yourself. when you see these pictures where your tiny selves are smiling and your mum looks like she's always got herself together I want you to know that I didn't, and you weren't always.
I am as real as you. I am a woman just trying her best. I do not always get it right. and sometimes I try as hard as I can and then I just can't do anymore and I feel sad for a while. but then it's okay again. good or bad: everything passes.
and sometimes I do get it right. and I do try really, really hard. I parent you all the best way I know how and if I don't know what to do I ask someone or I read about it or I watch others or I talk about my worries.
you kids are so important to me; parenting you all is my favourite.
but I also have to take care of myself.
to be generous of spirit with you means I need to feel good too. I have to have, to give.
so if you're reading this from some grownup point in the future and you're at a crossroads I suggest you ask yourself this:
what makes you happy? what makes you feel good about yourself? find that and do that. and even though I have my own opinions, I will always want you to have what *you* want for yourself. I trust you.
and actually, knowing what you want for yourself can sometimes be the hardest part, so if you have that figured out that's a lot.
so be gentle. be kind to yourself and to others. whatever you decide to do, know that you are, and always have been, good enough.
this is what I'm telling myself at this time. if you ever happen to wonder, I want you to know it about yourself too.