In the early hours of the morning we bathe together. You lean your head on my left arm and sit your full weight on my right forearm. We turn together in the warm water. You are heavy against my body and so uncharacteristically still. I'm reminded of my pregnancy. Not the stillness so much as the togetherness. When, after the first decision, I had no choice but to carry you.
Then after your birth the more enigmatic emotional choices started. How much would I sacrifice and when? Many of the decisions happened subconsciously or spontaneously but many more were thought-out and pre-planned.
Sacrifice. As all of you grow it becomes so much easier in many ways. Although as I parent your eldest brother I still find myself asking how much I should give and how much I should let go. There is no right or wrong answer for me yet. Maybe never.
But this I know: it doesn't get any sweeter than this moment bathing in the warmth with 17 month-old-you. You fit perfectly with me right now. You won't always, that's as it should be.
Soon my arm tires and a little after that I tell you we're going to get out of the shower.
I don't know how you feel about the little extra that I give. But I know I feel better for it, grateful that I can do it. It won't always be the case. But today, right now, it is.
Photo by Cara Loren.